Chronic– a word I’ve truly despised and denied for a long time.  I find no words that do justice to the experience of this pain. There are no such things as only emotional pain or only physical pain for me. They are one. ` 

My Chronic Pain was born from all things chaotic and vile, ripping me from my life, leaving my spirit utterly helpless. My mind was transported into a brutal, dense, cold, dark, winter forest when all I had ever known was a safe, warm home. One of the most beautiful sacred, beloved moments of my life is the day where life as I knew it ended in every way that I couldn’t possibly have imagined. Pain tortured my every movement and terror reigned my very existence, every second of every day for months, years. Trapped in this forest without being able to move. I still recoil, spiral within the memories of when hopelessness ate my life, my body, my soul away. No one is going to save me. Being a medical anomaly, having an invisible disability, suffering a debilitating impairment that most people don’t even understand the language around it let alone the pain I have endured and continue to every day, is a lonely space. My Chronic pain has taken residence in my person. She dictates what I can do, who I can see, how I feel, how I plan, how I hope. She whispers me lies on the best of days. She enslaves me on the worst. My Chronic pain, my own personal prison. She can be cruel and persuasive. She is also capable of change, adapting, like I once did. Like I still do, every day. I’m learning to savor the ever-evolving environment I have little control over. My son and his birthdate are a constant reminder of the fear, pain, love and death that living creatures' experience. Death showed me the beauty she offers. Love has shown me the grief she guarantees. I have become this forest, and She has become me. Some days I only see damp, dark, gray sadness. On others, I fight and change and see a rainbow of colors, growth and opportunities for magic I would’ve never known. My home is different now, but it’s full of life.